Grief Is Not Something to Get Over, But Something to Move With
When loss enters our lives, it can feel like the ground beneath us has cracked open. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or a sudden change in life we didn’t choose, grief follows us like a shadow. Many of us are told, directly or indirectly, that grief is a process to “get over” or a problem to “fix.” But here’s the truth: grief is not something to get over. It’s something we move with, something we learn to carry, and something that can teach us about love, resilience, and the beauty of being human.
In this blog, we’ll explore why grief isn’t a linear journey with a tidy ending, but rather a lifelong companion that changes shape as we do. We’ll talk about the myths of moving on, what it means to move forward, and how grief can transform—not disappear—over time.
The Myth of “Getting Over” Grief
One of the most common phrases people hear after experiencing loss is, “You’ll get over it with time.” Though usually said with good intentions, this statement places pressure on the grieving person to meet an unrealistic goal: total closure. But grief doesn’t work that way.
The idea of “getting over” grief suggests there’s an endpoint, a finish line we can cross where life resumes exactly as it once was. In reality, grief reshapes our lives permanently. The person, experience, or relationship we lost leaves an imprint on us. To “get over” it would mean to erase that part of our story, which is neither possible nor healthy.
Instead of getting over grief, we integrate it. We carry it in ways that become lighter, more bearable, and even meaningful. Like a scar, it may fade with time, but it remains a reminder of both our pain and our love.
Why Grief Hurts So Deeply
Grief hurts because it reflects love. We grieve deeply because we loved deeply. The intensity of the pain mirrors the depth of the connection we had. That’s why it shows up not only after death but also after breakups, divorces, or even transitions like children leaving home.
Psychologists often describe grief as a natural response to attachment. When someone or something we’re bonded to is taken away, our brain and body react to the rupture. We may feel shock, anger, confusion, or numbness. We may cry uncontrollably or, conversely, struggle to feel anything at all. All of this is normal.
It is not a weakness or a sign of being stuck in the past. It is evidence that we dared to love, that we invested part of ourselves into something or someone, and that the absence of that bond is significant.
The Changing Nature of Grief
Grief is often misunderstood as a process with stages we must pass through in order, like levels of a video game. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous “five stages of grief” model—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—has shaped much of the cultural conversation. While helpful for identifying feelings, it has also been misinterpreted as a strict roadmap.
In truth, it is not linear. It ebbs and flows, often when we least expect it. A song, a smell, or a photograph can bring back a wave of sadness years after the loss. This doesn’t mean we’ve failed to “move on.” It simply means grief has become part of who we are, showing up in reminders of love and memory.
Over time, it may shift from being all-consuming to being a quieter companion. It doesn’t vanish, but it evolves. Where early grief may feel like a storm, later grief may feel like a gentle tide that occasionally rises but eventually settles again.
Moving With Grief: What It Really Means
To move with grief is to acknowledge that it will always be with us, in some form. Instead of resisting or suppressing it, we invite it into our lives and allow it to shape us. This doesn’t mean we are doomed to perpetual sadness. Rather, it means we make space for both sorrow and joy, both loss and love, both memory and growth.
Moving with it might look like:
- Allowing yourself to cry when a memory surfaces, without shame.
- Finding ways to honor the person or experience you’ve lost.
- Talking openly about your feelings instead of pretending you’re fine.
- Recognizing that grief will revisit you on anniversaries, holidays, or unexpected moments.
When we stop fighting grief and start moving with it, we begin to live more authentically. We give ourselves permission to feel, to heal, and to grow without erasing the past.
How to Honor Grief in Everyday Life
Honoring grief means giving it the respect it deserves instead of rushing to silence it. Here are some gentle ways people can live with grief daily:
- Storytelling and remembrance: Sharing stories about a loved one keeps their memory alive and validates your ongoing bond with them.
- Creative expression: Writing, painting, or music can give grief an outlet beyond words. Creativity transforms pain into something meaningful.
- Rituals and traditions: Lighting a candle, planting a tree, or continuing a loved one’s favorite tradition can help connect you to their memory.
- Compassion for yourself: Some days you may feel strong, while others you may feel broken. Honoring grief means allowing both without judgment.
Grief doesn’t disappear when we honor it—it softens, and it finds its rightful place in our lives.
The Role of Community in Grieving
Grief can feel isolating, especially in a culture that often avoids conversations about death or loss. Friends and family may want to help but may not know what to say. Sometimes their attempts to comfort—like telling us to “stay strong” or “look on the bright side”—can unintentionally make us feel more alone.
That’s why community is so important. Surrounding ourselves with people who listen without judgment, who sit with us in silence, or who simply acknowledge our pain can make it more bearable. Support groups, faith communities, or therapy can also provide spaces where grief is welcomed rather than dismissed.
Being in community reminds us that we are not the only ones walking this path. It shows us that grief, while deeply personal, is also a universal human experience.
Grief as a Teacher
Though painful, grief has the power to teach us. It teaches us about impermanence, about the fragility of life, and about the depth of our own capacity to love. It can shift our priorities, deepen our empathy, and remind us of what truly matters.
Some people find that grief inspires them to live more fully, to cherish small joys, or to pursue passions they once set aside. Others may channel their grief into service, creating legacies that honor those they’ve lost. While we would never choose grief, it can shape us in ways that expand our hearts and our humanity.
Moving Forward, Not On
There’s an important distinction between moving on and moving forward. Moving on suggests leaving the past behind, shutting the door, and pretending loss no longer touches us. Moving forward, on the other hand, acknowledges our grief, allowing it to become part of our life’s story.
To move forward is to create a future where joy and sorrow live side by side. It means carrying the love we’ve lost into new moments and relationships. It means discovering meaning in the midst of pain, and trusting that life has room for both beauty and heartache.
When Grief Feels Too Heavy
Sometimes grief can feel unbearable. It may interfere with our ability to function, disrupt sleep or appetite, or lead to feelings of hopelessness. In these cases, professional support can be invaluable.
Therapists, grief counselors, and mental health professionals provide safe spaces to process feelings that may feel overwhelming. They can offer tools to navigate complicated grief, where sadness feels stuck or unending, and help us rebuild a sense of safety and stability.
It’s important to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a courageous step toward healing.
Grief in Different Seasons of Life
Grief doesn’t just show up once. We may encounter it in different forms throughout our lives: losing grandparents in childhood, navigating the loss of a parent in adulthood, or facing the grief of aging and illness later in life. Each season brings new perspectives on loss.
For children, grief may look like confusion or acting out rather than tears. For teenagers, it may show up as anger or withdrawal. Adults may wrestle with balancing grief while managing responsibilities. Older adults may find themselves reflecting on a lifetime of love and loss.
Recognizing that grief is lifelong means giving ourselves grace no matter what age or stage we’re in. It also helps us support others across generations with patience and compassion.
Living with Love and Loss
At its core, grief is love with nowhere to go. It’s the echo of our longing, the reminder of connection, and the evidence of what matters most to us. Learning to live with grief is learning to live with love in a new form.
Instead of erasing grief, we can transform it into a source of compassion, creativity, and connection. We can allow it to deepen our relationships with those who remain, to make us more present to the gift of life, and to remind us that though loss is inevitable, love is enduring.
Conclusion: Choosing to Move With Grief
Grief is not something we get over. It is something we carry, something we learn to move with, and something that reshapes us in ways both painful and profound. By honoring grief instead of resisting it, we open ourselves to healing. By seeking support, we remind ourselves that we don’t have to face it alone. And by moving forward instead of moving on, we allow love and loss to coexist in our lives.
Grief is not a sign of weakness but of humanity. It is proof that we loved, that we cared, and that we dared to open our hearts. As we move with grief, we honor not only what we’ve lost but also the enduring strength within us to keep living, loving, and growing.